At this very moment

What does it mean to be “in the moment”? Aren’t we always living in the moment?

I answered these questions by thinking about my own life and how I preceive every second. Sometimes I’m just surfing along the time waves looking for the next one to catch. Other times I watch from the shore and try to capture a mental image. It’s important to remember to breathe. If I can remember to do that, I can really get myself engulfed in any situation.

Someone once told me to remember “In this moment, I am ok” when it came to handling my anxiety. I’ve used it ever since. It’s probably the best advice I’ve ever got. During my mother’s struggle with cancer, I taught her the phrase and it helped her through some tough moments. It’s a powerful bunch of words if you can believe them as they leave your lips.

So, at this very moment, where am I? Physically it doesn’t really matter. I’m where I always go. At this very moment, I’m thinking about her. My mom, and the phrase I taught her. The anger I feel that someone so strong was to be taken down by something so small. It seemed to me that cancer took the cowardly approach by silently attacking her vessel for years before showing it’s ugly face. I guess when you’re David dealing with Goliath that’s your only recourse. Well be rest assured she did not go down without a fight. And when she wasn’t strong enough to fight herself, we fought for her.

At this very moment, I’m overwhelmed that’s it’s close to a year since we lost her. I just can’t process the time. As I sit here and try to map out the distance between now and then, I’m stumbling over every holiday, birthday, and times when I really needed her. How did I get here if I can’t remember how I did it? Some moments aren’t worth savoring.

Some moments are impossible to forget. The very moment I realized she was leaving us for example. The very last breath I heard her take. No matter how many times I tried to forget the moment, it’s burned into my memory. I’ve since embraced it. Why would I want to forget when it’s the last breath she ever took? She never forgot the first breath I ever took. What’s the difference? Sometimes it takes a little growing to realize that a moment really was special. Even if at that very moment, it was difficult to live in.

Right now, in this very moment, I’m thinking about the things I remember about her. The sound of her voice, the millions of freckles on her arms that I’m now inheriting, the color of her eyes and how they matched mine, her laugh, the hair that never stopped, her microtia ear that she always tried to hide…

Then there’s the things I’m struggling to remember. What it was like to look her in the eye. What it felt like when she embraced me. How the sound of her voice soothed me. Those are things you have to be in the moment to feel. Those are the things I miss greatly.

At this very moment, and for many moments to come, and many moments that have been, I’m thinking about her. I’ll always think about her every time I have a moment to spare.